It Was Over When... Read online

  SHOELACES

  I was at the store one day and happened to remember that my skateboarding boyfriend said he needed a new pair of shoelaces. So in an attempt to be a thoughtful girlfriend, I bought him a pair…but it was apparently the wrong kind. When I brought them over the next day, his only response was, “If you can’t pay attention to the kind of shoelaces I wear, how can I expect you to understand my needs?”

  —L.

  AFTERMATH

  We were together off and on for about two years, but it was high school so that’s pretty much an eternity.

  TOO THRIFTY

  An unfortunate event led me to meet a hippie chick as a blind date. I was halfheartedly listening to her spout off the many ways she was thrifty, an avid recycler, and a freegan who rummaged through back alleys for clothing and used the Mooncup Menstrual Cup (blech!). The world stood still for me when she said she did not use toilet paper. Instead, she used rags and washed them for reuse.

  —Joshua

  AFTERMATH

  She sent emails, but I blew her off.

  HIGH FIDELITY

  While saying our vows, my soon-to-be-husband broke down in laughter. He couldn’t, no matter how hard he tried, say the word “fidelity.”

  —Jane Doe

  AFTERMATH

  Five years later we divorced.

  FISH SANDWICH

  We went through the drive-thru window at a fast-food place and he ordered a fish sandwich and pronounced it “fill-ett o‘ fish.” He wasn’t joking and I knew he was just too stupid to continue the relationship.

  —Alexa

  AFTERMATH

  I broke up with him a couple weeks later and it only lasted that long because the sex was good.

  DOWN

  He cried because his favorite band, System of a Down, broke up. He got angry at me because I wasn’t being emotionally supportive.

  —Cynthia

  AFTERMATH

  We broke up a week later, and he still holds a grudge…four years later.

  HULKAMANIA

  I came home and saw my husband working on some type of project. He was making a WWE wrestler belt out of an old pizza box, gold paint, and a Sharpie.

  —Amber

  AFTERMATH

  He spent three days working on it. My dog got ahold of it, chewed it up, and he made another one. I divorced him shortly after, but I kept my dog.

  DANCING QUEEN

  I went to hang out at her house for the first time and was forced to sit and listen to ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” on repeat for nearly an hour straight.

  —Andrew

  AFTERMATH

  Needless to say, it ended the second I left her house.

  HOT HALLOWEEN

  Going to a costume party for Halloween, my boyfriend was incredibly more excited about he and his friend going as lesbians than me going as a Playboy Bunny.

  —lemonlime

  AFTERMATH

  He might not have appreciated my costume, but his friend did. A lot...

  LEGO LAND

  I went over to his house for a chance to spend some romantic time alone. We ended up looking in his basement for his long-lost LEGO set, and I watched in amazement as he spent over an hour building himself LEGO architecture on the floor, smiling like an eight-year-old.

  —Clo

  AFTERMATH

  I left his house early that night, and about a week later, I ended it and never looked back.

  FIRST DIP, THIRD NIP

  We went out on the lake and, after his first dip in the water, I noticed the mole on his chest had reacted to the cold. Triple nipple is a deal breaker.

  —Jillian

  AFTERMATH

  The moment we hit land, I was out.

  CAVITY CREEP

  Our second date was dinner and live music at a popular sports pub. I’m kind of silly, and when I made him laugh with a crazy story, I noticed his black teeth!

  —Joy

  AFTERMATH

  Deal broken.

  PILL POPPER

  He picked up and swallowed the pill he dropped from the pub floor as he was so desperate to have it, even though everyone else on the night out was only drinking.

  —Helen

  AFTERMATH

  A couple weeks later he said, “Let’s go on holiday.” I said, “Let’s break up.”

  LITTLE MISS SARCASM

  I realized that she had only one setting: sarcastic. No seriousness, no deeper emotions, no ability to hold a decent conversation. Every response from her was some sort of joke, but it got to be too much.

  —Scott

  AFTERMATH

  I put up with it for about a month. I love a little sarcasm, but there is a point where it goes from a funny little quirk to downright annoying.

  IN DINOSAUR

  After only two days of chatting on Facebook, he told me, “Rawr! It means ‘I love you’ in dinosaur,” and he was serious.

  —KutcherGirl

  AFTERMATH

  None.

  SHAPE

  I woke up, looked at my partner sitting on the edge of the bed, and realized that I absolutely detested the shape of his head.

  —Narie

  AFTERMATH

  It only lasted three months after that.

  MUFFIN TOP

  He explained that his friends at work liked to grab his “muffin top” that hangs over his jeans to tease him.

  —Amy

  AFTERMATH

  I allowed him to take me on a few more dates because he had good taste in restaurants.

  ONE LOVE

  She said she hated reggae. She hated it so much she wouldn’t talk to me if I listened to it near her.

  —J

  AFTERMATH

  I broke it off blaring “One Love” by Bob Marley.

  BABY FOOD

  One night on the phone she started telling me about all her little “quirks.” It was so boring I stopped listening. I tuned back in to her monologue just in time to hear her say that she likes to eat baby food. As in little jars. As in Gerber…

  —Spike

  AFTERMATH

  She eventually stopped calling me.

  PIXEL GIRLFRIEND

  Over our year-long relationship, we played video games together all the time, which was fine. The problem came when he canceled our actual in-person dates so we could play online from our respective homes. He liked my video-game character more than me.

  —Nicole

  AFTERMATH

  A month later, he told me he could “never really love me.”

  CHEMISTRY

  TEARS OF A CLOWN

  My boyfriend said, “I think clown makeup is really sexy.” Shortly thereafter, he whispered in my ear, “Seriously, babe, it’s a major turn-on.” He wasn’t joking.

  —Chelsea

  AFTERMATH

  I broke up with him that night. For the four months that we dated, I always thought he said and did really weird things to be goofy. He was definitely serious about all of it.

  READER

  We worked together at a bar and you know how that goes: sweaty work tensions can be relieved with sweaty play. One night after closing the place, we end up back at her studio apartment and go directly bed-wards, where things were marvelous. Afterward, as she slept, I had to use the bathroom and I noticed something very strange about her apartment. She didn’t own a single book. Not one. Not even a thriller or a bodice-ripper or a Reader’s Digest Condensed Classic.

  —Will

  AFTERMATH

  That was that.

  BIGFOOT

  He got skunked in Beer Pong, a drinking game. The house rules dictated he had to run a naked lap through the woods. Seeing his naked body in the moonlight, I noticed that he looked a lot like photos of Bigfoot sightings.

  —Summer

  AFTERMATH

  Long enough for me to find out that it’s true that a man loses one inch of “manhood” for every ten pounds of extra weight.

  CHAPEL OF DISCONTENT />
  When we arrived at the wedding chapel, neither of us made a move to take off our seat belts.

  —LB

  AFTERMATH

  We called it off a week later.

  MY JEANS

  He found my jeans on the floor and pulled them on, thinking they were his. They fit. And they looked kinda good. And he danced around in them for a second, reveling in the fit.

  —K

  AFTERMATH

  We broke up for other, less ambiguously gay reasons not long after, but this is the horrifying moment I remember, over and over again…

  THERE SHE IS!

  On our third date, I met a guy at his house. He was showing me pictures in a photo album. When he came to a picture of himself, he said, “There she is, in all her finest!”

  —Brian

  AFTERMATH

  We did not have a fourth date.

  SWERVE

  She spent our date telling me how she’d had an affair with our waitress, which was fine. That happens when you date a stripper—it’s half the reason you date a stripper. But, when she took me home, she drove demon-fast, erratically, and sang over an ear-splitting stereo. She then flashed her breasts to the cars next to us while swerving into their lane.

  —Rob

  AFTERMATH

  I never called her again, though she did show up at my house on her break, wearing a waist-length blonde wig. I turned her down gently, not telling her that she was two degrees too crazy for me.

  INEXPERIENCED

  It somehow came up in discussion that apparently I’ve kissed more girls than he has. And I’ve never even been into girls. I think he needs more dating experience before getting serious with me.

  —Jen

  AFTERMATH

  I’m procrastinating about ending things. Maybe a break, or a breakup. I swear I’ve tried, but he’s so cute…

  NUMB

  We were in bed spooning one night, and my arm fell asleep underneath her. As I went to slide my arm out, she turned around and said, “What’s wrong with you? Don’t you love me?” She rolled over and bawled for the next hour, inconsolable.

  —Michael

  AFTERMATH

  Two months later, we were through. After my arm fell asleep, there was a constant boo-hoo over everything. I couldn’t take it.

  HOOPS

  We cuddled on the bed and watched TV when I noticed her large hoop earnings. I told her how nice they looked and she immediately responded, “I will make you jump through hoops for me,” in her thick Russian accent. Those words, along with the accent, turned me off instantly. Her gorgeous looks couldn’t save her.

  —George

  AFTERMATH

  Two days after the comment she became the first and only girl I broke up with via text message.

  PICTURE PERFECT

  After a very dull first date, we went to his house where he pulled out photo albums and started showing me pictures of a camping trip with his ex-girlfriend. Even stranger: I was a total doppelganger for her.

  —Elizabeth

  AFTERMATH

  I texted to cancel our next date. He called nine times, leaving four sad messages, the last of which was many minutes long, full of tears and “Whyyyyy, Elizabeth, whyyy!” I played it on speakerphone for my friends.

  BEND AND SNAP

  He constantly wanted to listen to “Legally Blonde: The Musical” and then did the “bend and snap” in front of one of my gay friends at a wedding. All I ever heard from my friends after that was how obviously gay he was.

  —Ade

  AFTERMATH

  It lasted for another nine months. Ultimately ended because he cheated on me—twice. At least it was with a girl.

  POCKET BIBLE

  On our second date, he pulled out his pocket Bible and asked me what my favorite verse was. When I couldn’t think of one, he read me his favorite one and preached to me about God’s love for the rest of the night.

  —Vivian

  AFTERMATH

  I went out with him one more time so he wouldn’t think that his God talk scared me away. But it totally did!

  EAU D’ HOSPITAL

  We had some drinks and went back to her apartment. I was blown away by her comfort in disrobing and how amazing her rack was. We had great sex…and then I noticed it. She had the peculiar smell of a hospital when she perspired.

  —Diggity Dave

  AFTERMATH

  We met at the movies a week later. I really hoped it was something in her apartment, but as she hugged me at the theater, the hospital smell wafted up my nostrils for the last time!

  GOALS

  I asked him what he wanted to be doing in five years. He said, “Still driving a truck and finally be making real money at $15 per hour.” He had already been working there for five years and had started the job at $13 per hour.

  —Ma Shell

  AFTERMATH

  We lasted two weeks after that. And the clincher? When I had to give him a pen so he could sign my birthday card.

  MEDICINE MOUTH

  He told me I “tasted like aspirin” when we kissed.

  —Cassie

  AFTERMATH

  I should have known he was a jerk when he broke up with his girlfriend for me.

  GROUND FLOOR

  He informed me that he would “be a millionaire someday” and I should “get in on the ground floor.” I laughed. He wasn’t joking.

  —Jen

  AFTERMATH

  We never went out again, and he was subsequently convicted of felony theft and related charges.

  TEAR-STAINED UNDIES

  I only dated him because he was a cop and I thought he was hardcore. I told him it was over after three dates and he bawled like a baby in front of his mates in the bar, then stripped to his undies because he thought I was breaking up with him because he wasn’t “wild” enough.

  —MG

  AFTERMATH

  He stripped again in my apartment, in front of my flatmates. Please God, that’s enough.

  LAST KISS

  The first time we kissed, she bit my lip. I’m not opposed to nibbling, but she busted it open.

  —Tony

  AFTERMATH

  Fifteen minutes.

  WRAP PARTY

  I went to a wrap party for a TV show he was working on and everyone I met kept commenting, half jokingly, to me about how I seemed too cool and nice to be engaged to such an a**hole (their word, not mine). After about conversation number five, a light went off in my head.

  —Anastasia

  AFTERMATH

  I dumped him about a week later.

  CAT MAN

  It was over when he asked his cats what I wanted to do that day. In a doggy voice.

  —Mizz Gooch

  AFTERMATH

  I f***ing hate cats. Only later did I find out that he named one of his cats after his favorite porn star.

  COULD IT BE…HMMM…SATAN?

  For months it was a roller coaster of ups and downs, breaking up and getting back together. I should have known it was permanently over when he said he didn’t believe in evolution (I’m a scientist) and that gays were caused by Satan.

  —KT

  AFTERMATH

  I think we stayed together for a few more months.

  WILD KINGDOM

  Before our first date, I entered her studio apartment to find a jumbled mess of cups, plates, clothing, and stuffed animals. She also had seven pets. She talked to them in a cooing baby voice the entire time she got ready.

  —William

  AFTERMATH

  For some reason (I’m guessing it had to do with my libido) I chose to stay with her for over a year of bizarre behavior that included throwing pasta at my head because there was an ant on the plate. And then crying and banging her head on the wall when I got angry about it.

  CULTURE SHOCK

  He started making plans for a joint vacation (after only four days of knowing each other) to New York’s Chinatown because he wanted “to lear
n more about my culture.” I’m Korean.

  —Anem0ne

  AFTERMATH

  He was a very clingy, sticky rice queen, so it wasn’t too difficult quitting him.

  FAVORITE ENDEAVOR

  We argued for an hour about anal sex. Apparently, this was a favorite endeavor of his and his ex-girlfriend and he was insistent that I engage in this act as well.

  —Lee-Lee

  AFTERMATH

  Two weeks later I went by his house at 3:30 a.m. and found his ex-girlfriend’s car parked outside.

  CLASHES

  EARTH FIRST

  We were talking after sex one night, and she mentioned that the environmental movement was a secret government plot to keep us scared and obedient. I’m am energy efficiency consultant and activist who takes my impact on the Earth very seriously. I asked her if she knew what her statement meant for me. She responded, “Well, you can’t blame me if you’re wasting your life.”