It Was Over When... Read online

  ONCE, OK…TWICE?

  During sex, she called me by the wrong name. Worse, it was her roommate’s name. Then she did it again. Also, her roommate was gay.

  —John

  AFTERMATH

  That was about it for me.

  SEX DRIVE

  I was going down on this girl, working pretty hard, and all of a sudden she says, totally deadpan, “I would really be enjoying this if my medication didn’t kill my sex drive.”

  —Tom

  AFTERMATH

  I finished the deed that night, but broke off contact shortly thereafter.

  HAMPERED

  He suggested we have sex and I agreed, if he had protection. He stood up, dug through his laundry hamper, and pulled out a condom that was already opened and unrolled.

  —Allison

  AFTERMATH

  I never slept with him, though we continued seeing each other for a month because I felt bad.

  IN AND OUT

  I lost my “virginity” to a guy who performed the entire act to completion, not realizing he was never actually “in.”

  —Dawn

  AFTERMATH

  I broke up with him the next day, and he drove to my house and handed me a very angry letter that stated that girls who break up with a guy after what we did get a very bad reputation. He ended up with the bad reputation. Amateur!

  TMI

  After a mind-blowing round of oral sex, she said, “I can tell you eat a lot of fruit.”

  —Sweet tasting

  AFTERMATH

  She had been with too many men for my taste.

  SECRETS

  MAKE-A-WISH

  He pretended to be the father of a terminally ill child to get a free vacation to Disney World out of the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

  —Bobby

  AFTERMATH

  It lasted a week while I figured out the best way to break up with him without him wanting to ruin my life with harassment.

  ROOMMATE KISS

  It was over the minute his roommate kissed me. It just took me two years of bulls*** and misery to realize it.

  —BlueCanary

  AFTERMATH

  Roommate and I have been together for three years now. (He thinks it’s only been two.)

  WORLD TRADE CENTER

  He told me he was on the phone with someone in the World Trade Center during the 9/11 terrorist attacks and then saved people in a stranded subway train, and then had qualified for several Ironman triathlons, and was in a ten-car accident, and…

  —Lolita

  AFTERMATH

  I tried to break up with Mr. Pathological Liar without saying why. We broke up and he continued to track me for a couple of years.

  LESBIAN AVATAR

  My husband was in an online game using a female avatar and fell in love with another player, also a female avatar. They had a wedding ceremony online in which my husband proudly proclaimed he’d never loved anyone the way he loves her.

  —Barbara

  AFTERMATH

  Haha! Not only was my husband’s avatar piloted by a man—so was the other “woman.” We’re divorced now and I hear my ex is pursuing a sex change.

  IMAGINARY SISTERS

  Some girls called asking for him, claiming to be his sisters.

  He didn’t have sisters.

  —Diana

  AFTERMATH

  I scratched all of his CDs and never spoke to him again.

  THE BABY-SITTER

  He cheated on me with his old baby-sitter.

  —Lisa

  AFTERMATH

  Ewww.

  9 TO 5

  We met at a party. He was well-dressed, smart. There was dating, good sex. I asked why he didn’t work 9 to 5. He told me of his scheme that involved retail white-collar theft and eBay. Then he finally told me about prison. He got charged in new felonies and tried to get me to testify in his case. He had his lawyer harass me to perjure myself. Now he writes me flowery jail letters. I read them and laugh.

  —PL

  AFTERMATH

  Lasted zero days after he was arrested. He is still in jail. He tried to get his cousin to sell me his truck for bail money, but then wouldn’t sign over the title.

  EXOTIC MASSAGE

  My friends were going through the (gay) exotic massages and other sexual offers on Craigslist and laughing at how funny some of them sounded. They got to one that had a familiar number. It was my boyfriend’s number.

  —Jane Doe

  AFTERMATH

  Had a guy friend set up a time and place to meet him. I was there too and broke up with him.

  RANDOM GIRL

  He spent the night out at a “friend’s house” after ignoring my phone calls all day. He told me that he “didn’t think I’d care” that my live-in boyfriend “got drunk and passed out” at some random girl’s place.

  —E

  AFTERMATH

  We broke up a month later, got back together, then broke up six months later when he decided he’d rather sleep with his graduate assistant than me.

  EX WANK

  I caught him masturbating to pictures of his ex-wife. They had been divorced for over six years and she’s remarried.

  —LO

  AFTERMATH

  He wouldn’t get rid of them so I left.

  DIVORCE PAPERS

  His wife called me to find out where she could send the divorce papers.

  —Ali

  AFTERMATH

  She and I are friends. Who knows where he is now?

  HOOTERS

  I came home during my last summer of law school and my boyfriend of five years told me he was sleeping with a Hooters girl.

  —LL

  AFTERMATH

  The next day he asked me for legal advice. I guess that’s not on the menu at Hooters. We haven’t spoken since.

  GOOD DIET

  I figured out my girlfriend’s unexplainable weight loss was due to her being a closet drug addict!

  —Chuckie

  AFTERMATH

  Lasted for a couple of courtesy months.

  CRAIGSLIST

  I read an email of his that simply stated, “Yo bro, let me know next time you need your hot c**k drained.” I have nothing against homosexuality, unless the man I’m dating is trying to hide it from me. And I’m a lady.

  —NatahleyBee

  AFTERMATH

  He attempted to come up with an alibi. We are now broken up and I’m convinced he’s getting anonymous BJs from Craigslist.

  TATTOO

  My boyfriend of three years told me that he had his new girlfriend’s name tattooed on him. He told me this after we had sex.

  —Brittany

  AFTERMATH

  It didn’t last.

  OUR TWINS

  At a cookout, he shared with his boss that I was pregnant with twins and used that opportunity to ask for an increase in pay. I was not pregnant, did not look pregnant, and we had only been dating for a month at that time.

  —Ma Shell

  AFTERMATH

  It ended that night. I saw his boss about a year later and he asked about our kids, as he got regular updates from my ex on how they were doing. I told the truth to the boss and the ex lost his job.

  COUNTY FAIR CHEATER

  We had been dating for five years and I was seven months pregnant when we went separately to the county fair. He had no idea I was there and saw him kiss another girl. He came home and asked why I was pissed. When I told him, he said, “Can’t I have you both?”

  —Shay

  AFTERMATH

  We ended our relationship. I’m marrying an amazing guy.

  ROAD TRIP

  My husband, my best friend, and I went to the beach one weekend, but along the way during the three-hour trip, we pulled into the parking lot of a nondescript brick building. Curious, I asked, “What’s going on? Something wrong with the car?” I was told we had to stop to get an abortion for my best friend, and it was my husband’s kid. The parking lot
was for the clinic.

  —*sigh*

  AFTERMATH

  We signed divorce papers a month later. They are now engaged and living together, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life.

  MIA

  I found out he had gone MIA because he had been in jail. I stupidly took him back only to have him go MIA…again.

  —Kate

  AFTERMATH

  I quit trying to pursue the “relationship,” or lack thereof. I also found out that the entire time we had been dating, he was engaged.

  GET OUT OF MY HOUSE

  Three days after moving into a house we bought together (with my money), I found his online dating profile on the computer. He had been with someone just two days before we moved in together. He said we weren’t in a committed relationship until we physically moved in together.

  —Kellee

  AFTERMATH

  It took seven months, a call to the police, and the threat of a restraining order to get his name off the title of my house.

  LIAR, LIAR

  I found out that she gave me herpes knowingly and proceeded to lie about it for six months. She even let me go through the motions of letting me call people I was with before to tell them they may be at risk.

  —Bob

  AFTERMATH

  I, like a fool, tried to forgive her. It was impossible. Also, she lied about sleeping with my best friend, and gave him herpes too.

  DUI

  He hid his DUI from me for months. Later, he almost threw me out of his house after I asked what I was to him after we’d been “dating” for four months.

  —BaltOhNo

  AFTERMATH

  I slept with him off and on, and after two years of wanting him to fall in love with me, finally realized I needed to let go. It’s amazing how great sex can cloud judgment.

  THE KITCHEN

  My son walked into the kitchen and my fiancé was having oral sex with a friend of mine.

  —Marcie

  AFTERMATH

  It lasted long enough for me to allow him to pack his stuff.

  BLOATED

  She could no longer hide the growing fullness of her belly. I had had a vasectomy three years earlier.

  —James

  AFTERMATH

  Her lies revealed and my suspicions confirmed, she moved in with her baby-daddy.

  HORSE WHISPERER

  During our three-week relationship, his story went from “I raise show horses” to “my family raises show horses and I help” to “I live with my family and a bunch of old gimpy horses because I’m afraid to live by myself.” He was twenty-eight.

  —Boy’s Mamma?

  AFTERMATH

  After I broke up with him and told him never to contact me again, he emailed, called, and came to my house seventy times in two months. I filed a restraining order.

  TRAVELER

  While she encouraged me to spend more time traveling, she was carrying on an affair with her boss. When I found out, she blamed me for not being around enough. She never even said she was sorry.

  —Phil

  AFTERMATH

  Still married. When my daughter goes to college, I go out the door.

  WITHDRAWAL

  My quarterly savings account statement arrived, $800 light. I’d put his name on it for a just-in-case emergency (like my death). When asked about the withdrawal, his response was, “I was going to put it back before you found out.”

  —Trusted Gut

  AFTERMATH

  Three months later, I threw him out.

  INSTANT CHEATER

  I went to pick her up to go see a movie and went on her computer to check times. She left an AIM conversation open with her ex-boyfriend ending with them exchanging “I love yous.” I closed the window before she saw what I was looking at.

  —Jason

  AFTERMATH

  I confronted her about it a week later. I wanted to dump her and she deflected the blame on me.

  FAMILY MAN

  I was dating a guy long distance. After a few visits he told me he had something important to tell me. It turns out that he had molested two of his own children. His therapist told him that she wouldn’t let him out of the state again unless he told me everything.

  —Jen

  AFTERMATH

  He got mad that I didn’t want to start a family with him (after three dates). We haven’t spoken since.

  PROFESSIONALS

  Not only did he cheat, but with “professional” women…

  —Lisa

  AFTERMATH

  I am happily disease-free and in someone else’s monogamous bed.

  WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

  I was in a two-year relationship and I was Christmas shopping with her eleven-year-old daughter. We came home early and caught her mother (my girlfriend) fellating a mutual friend. She took him out of her mouth and while still holding it said, “This isn’t what it looks like.” I told her I was taking her daughter to her mother’s house and left.

  —JP

  AFTERMATH

  Never spoke again. Her mother was horrified, as I had done CPR on her dad and saved his life a few weeks earlier. The child was mortified and still calls me five years later.

  HINT GIFT

  I got a “cooking for one” book from my wife for Christmas.

  —jake

  AFTERMATH

  I didn’t get it until I found out she was dating someone else. Try not to talk to or see the tramp.

  FIVE YEARS TO MAKE A MAN

  Year one: We diet and go to the gym together.

  Year two: He gets plastic surgery from all the weight he lost from year one.

  Year three: He is happier and I push him for a new job, while I start house-hunting.

  Year four: I buy him a laptop for Christmas and put the down payment on his new car.

  Year five: My skinny, good-looking boyfriend uses his laptop to find a new girlfriend who he impresses with his new car and three-flat financial investment.

  —Monika

  AFTERMATH

  I am living with a new boyfriend who I don’t have to buy a thing for and I am the happiest I have been in five years. Lesson learned.

  BLUSHING BRIDE

  His new-to-me fiancée answered the door when I went to visit him, holding their six-month-old baby!

  —Shay

  AFTERMATH

  I congratulated the blushing bride on her awesome pick of a husband-to-be.

  IDENTITY THEFT

  I’d been dating “David” for about six months and we were about to embark on a three-week vacation. A couple days prior to departure, his brother—David—calls me. Turns out, while he was overseas on a work assignment, his brother (the “David” I was dating) was “house-sitting.” Basically, everything I knew was really part of the overseas brother’s life and identity.

  —Sharon

  AFTERMATH

  The real David had the fake David committed to the local mental hospital upon returning home.

  BAILOUT

  I hadn’t heard from him in a couple of days so I checked his Facebook page. There I saw that his sister had posted a request to borrow $2,500 for three weeks to get him out of jail. Nobody in their family could help him.

  —Susie

  AFTERMATH

  If they can’t help him, I am not going to.

  PERSONAL AD

  I placed a fake ad on the personals page of a local paper pretending to be exactly the kind of guy I thought she’d like. The ad only got one response, and it was from my wife.

  —Dave

  AFTERMATH

  I got custody of the kids and am happily remarried.

  SHOPPING TRIP

  I went grocery shopping and ran into my boyfriend, his wife, and his child.

  —Letty

  AFTERMATH

  For the child’s sake I didn’t make a scene; I walked away. An hour later he called me and told me they’re separating. I hung up on him and never heard from him again.
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  ADVICE

  My best friend and I were talking about how excited we were that we were both pregnant, and she asked my advice on how she was going to tell the father of her baby—my husband.

  —Maxxx

  AFTERMATH

  She didn’t have her baby, and I got divorced.

  QUIRKS

  WHO’S YOUR DADDY?

  She wanted me to dress up in her father’s uniform and punish her for getting a “C” on her report card.

  —Mr. E

  AFTERMATH

  I left and haven’t talked to her since.

  THERAPIST

  She said, “I was talking to my therapist about you and she said…”

  —AKK

  AFTERMATH

  It was over in two weeks.

  OH LORD

  He cried during the last Lord of the Rings movie.

  —Kelly

  AFTERMATH

  He cried when I broke up with him too.